Saturday, June 20, 2009


As I have said before, I have been in a battle. Little did I realize it was more with myself then anything. I have been fighting with myself to change. Change is hard no matter how you feel about it, especially when it comes to yourself.
I have been doing this bible study with a wonderful group of friends and my choosen family called Experiencing God, and I ran smack dab in the middle of what I feel is my vision that God has given me. I question if this is it, writing for God's glory or is this a journal of my life?
I have been praying to figure out what exactly I should be writting about, as I have been unsure what it should be. Based on one subject, or is it a multiple experience. I wasnt sure. So I have been praying that God reveal to me what and where He is working!
As you also know it has also been a battle in my marriage. What many do not know, I have been married before and it failed miserably. I can not and will not place all blame on my ex husband. I didnt have a clue what marriage was about. Not because my mom didnt display that, but I was blinded with unbelief.
So when I went through my divorce, God drew me near to Him. All my parents told me was .....You need God! My divorce was one of the hardest things I have had to experience. Only because I depended on him so much that I was blind to the fact that what I really needed was God.
I had been saved at seventeen and was baptised, I didnt have a clue what followed. I struggled many years trying to find where I fit in. I eventually rebeled, married the one man my parents didnt agree with , moved away with my son, had another son and moved even further away from my one spiritual connection. Well guess what? They followed me here. They saw what was coming before I did. It was God's prompting for my mom to go. My husband of 7 years left me.
I cried and was a broken hearted little girl that didnt have a clue who she was.
Another friend whom I barely knew gave me a book called The Power of a praying Wife, by Stormie Omartin. I didnt nessesarily believe it would do any good, as my marriage was in shambles. But something kept telling me to just open that book and start reading the prayers. So I did.
What happened next, was not what I expected. What I did expect was for God to change my husband, make him change his mind. What I didnt expect was, God changed me instead. Through prayer! I cried,and I fought every step of the way.
God put people in my path and helped me see, that His love was complete, that He loved me no matter how rejected I felt on this earth.
Then I drew near to Him!
My life has changed so much that I sometimes have to stop and look in that mirror and see what God has done for my makeover! It has been seven years sense that day I walked away from my first marriage. And that little girl is nothing but a memory that God does not require me to let go of, but to learn from.
From that point on, I have been relationship focused. I have had this curiosity about why God created this institution called marriage with a burning fire that can not be explained. I have read passage after passage about relationships, marriage, sisters, brothers, mothers and fathers. God is a God of realtionships. He created us so that He might have a relationship with you and me.
Now back to the vision. The battle I have experienced in my very new marriage has brought me to what I believe God is saying. It needs more prayer and believe me I will ask. I feel this need to fight for marriages. God didnt create them the way the world sees them. He created them for a very distinct purpose. I have have always been driven to read anything on marriage. About how God calls Wives to be and How God calls husbands to be is not something God over looks, and certianly something we should not overlook either.
One of the things that sticks out in my mind is I had called a very close friend to me, I feel I can tell her anything, and I do mean anything. I called her upset and she told me, DONT GIVE UP!!! Pray, fall on your knees, God is sitting right next to you as we speak, holding you, loving you and giving you the strength you need to make it! And then she told me a little bit about what God has done for her marriage. I cried like you would not believe because I could feel Him sitting there, wiping those tears away! What she told me next was something I hadnt thought about in quit some time. She asked if I had The Power of a Praying Wife book. That was God right there! Speaking to me through that wonderful women! After our conversation, I pratically ran to that book. I prayed every single prayer in that book that night, on my knees and in the middle of one of those prayers, I stopped and asked God, what do I need to change, forget about me wanting to pray to change him, but what do I need to change about myself.
I was thinking, God, You do have a sense of humor. Cause here I am once again, needing changing and its through that same book! Go figure. As God's vision starts to unfold right before my eyes.

To be continued.......

Monday, June 1, 2009

Struggles, Victory, Humbled

I don't know about you, but as for me I have been in a battle or maybe its a testing of my faith? In any case I know God will see me through this struggle, and I know victory has been won and I am humbled by His amazing grace.
This past few weeks that I have not been posting anything in my blog I have been in a battle for my marriage, my finances, my kids, my life in general.
I feel like every corner I turn, there is satan or one of his demons waiting to attack what I so desire to do.
Hmmm...I must be doing something right? Or am I? That's the biggest question I have right now. Am I really doing everything God has commissioned me to do? Oh but I looking to see where God is working and stepping out of the boat? Maybe I am.
I finally got to the point of literally falling on my knees and asking God to show me what I need to change. You know what He told me?
Get out of My way, I see what is coming before you do, I Am right here with you, I will never let you fall, and if you do, I will pick up and you will have victory over this war, I hear you and I love you.
You see this prayer was for my husband, I want so badly for him to see where I am and come and join me in this place of total reverence for God. I want him to be what God created him to be. But my biggest issue was not letting go and getting out of God's way and trust His timing. I want instant results. But were the results of me becoming what God is creating in me to be instant? NO!!!!!
It took time and lots of patience and it still is as He is not done with me yet.
So, my faith is this....Delight yourself also in the Lord and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Ps 37.4
So if I delight myself in learning Who God is, He will answer my prayers. He knows the desires of my heart. He has something even better in mind for me then what I could ever dream of and I am humbled.